Thursday, March 31, 2011

where to begin?

OKay well,  here is a picture of me now at 352 pounds:
And here is a picture of me at 418 pounds

I didn't take any start pictures and I know, I know I should, but I'm certainly not going to put the weight back on so you can see the real difference.
So I went to the doctor yesterday.  I got a bit dehydrated because there was 2 days I wasn't completely focused on drinking water and I got symptoms consistent with a bladder infection.  Yaya happened to have a couple few leftover chew-able amoxacillin and so I took those to get me through the weekend.  By the time I got to the doctor, I was all better.  Figures.  This is relevant because I started talking about my antidepressants and how I wanted back on my normal dose, which led to me spilling my guts about my feelings and what I had read on the internet about addiction transference and my theory about food addiction and how in the hell am I supposed to get through all this on my own because insurance companies don't seem to care if you have any therapeutic support after surgery and they won't cover it.  No one has been to group from my circle of people, mostly because insurance will not cover postoperative maintenance. 
I know Dr. S is not supportive of my decision to do this surgery.  He feels the weight loss is dangerous and hard on my body, but when it comes to my tearful breakdowns, he tends to be very supportive and has me set up to see a therapist on Wednesday of next week.  he said sometimes insurance companies just need a different word to make the "thing" coverable.  Like instead of post surgical group therapy, he calls it depression.  Not a lie by any means, but covered.  Go figure.  Also, and this is for you, my group people, Were you at all motivated by your psychology visits preop?  I was more motivated by the people in our group than by the counselors and while I think reuniting with our peers is helpful, I think I will benefit by this therapy session I have scheduled outside of the GB program.  I'll let you all know how it goes.

Also, and of course I forgot my graft, my plateau isn't really a plateau at all, since according to the graft, I have a pretty steady and steep downhill trend as far as my weight loss goes.  Fine, fine.  I just think its slowing down and I only have 30 days to get rid of this last 35 pounds before my birthday to reach goal.  Again, Dr. S thinks I'm setting my expectations to high, especially since I am starving myself as it is and my weight loss is huge even compared with regular, motivated-as-hell dieters. Whatever.  This is why I need to see someone. I'm not happy, nor am I excited about the strides I've taken or the weight I have lost.  All I want is the final result and I want it right the hell now and I hate what I have to go through to have it.  I have a hate myself moment that is far beyond the self hate I had before surgery. 

Case in point.  I bought some new clothes and bought them a size 24, so I can wear them when I go to Madison in May.  Size 24 is giant in my eyes, so I figured that I should be able to almost get them on now.  Guess what?  I can't.  Not even close.  Will I be able to get them on 35 pounds from now?  I hope so, but I'm starting to think I won't. I know I will loose it and can keep the stuff for when it does fit, my point is that I expected to be a 24 by now and I'm more like a 26-28, which is better than where I started at a 32-34-36, but not what I expect of myself, which evidently, it not realistic.  Sigh.

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