Saturday, March 12, 2011

update 6 weeks postop

On the day of surgery (January 18) I was 418 pounds. Now I am at 358 pounds and melting fast. I work out really hard, which is attributing to the rapidness. I'm starting to get control of when to stop now, but still drink too soon after sometimes. Yesterday was my first day out and my friends all said they can see a huge difference in me. It was nice to hear so many positives. I've still been having some trouble with my sister's jealousy. It seems she is trying to be supportive by occasionally going to the gym with me, but the whole time telling me to slow down and, "are you TRYING to kill yourself?" Constantly lecturing me on how I'm all wrong and she's all right. Whining because she doesn't want to sweat. It gets to me. A good friend of mine, whose wife is a nurse and travels to all the different hospitals, ran into my sister a couple of weeks ago and my sister proceeded to tell her that the only reason I'm doing all of this is because my husband is not happy with me physically and he is making me. WHAT? Anyone who knows my husband knows that my weight was never an issue. I feel like my sister is trying to sabotage my conviction and self esteem. It makes me cry and I have allowed myself many tears. Yes, I could tell her to piss off, but I don't want to sabotage her conviction and self esteem. As much whining as she does, she is trying to move and get healthy. She needs to desperately. I can only shut up and take it and foster her desire to walk the treadmill for her 10 minutes. It isn't long before she gets tired and leaves me to finish my workout in peace.

My parents are awesome, my aunties, my husband, some of my friends. I only have a couple of friends that stopped talking to me. I leave messages once in a while, hoping they will call, but I haven't gotten any returns yet.

It's amazing to me how many people found my fatness a comfort to them more than offensive. I kind of feel like I was being used as a big fat buffer to everyone around me. I was an excuse. Well, I can have these donuts because I'm not as fat as Jess. Jess isn't the fattest anymore and everyone around me has to be accountable for their own actions. Does that sound self centered? That's how I feel about it. Especially since I have been making myself accountable, everyone around me either cut me off or is trying to improve themselves to various degrees, which is bittersweet.
When I let myself cry it out the other day, it wasn't just because of my people. It was all my frustrations. My desire for a certain something once in a while that I know will make me puke and the frustration when I eat something I know I can eat and it makes me puke.
The lump in my throat does not mean I am full.  The lump in my throat means I've eaten too much.  I can't just go from there and throw up, it sits and rolls around feeling horrible for 45 minutes before the refreshing and long-awaited wave of nausia sweeps over me so I can finally throw it all up and start over.  I'm a rotten bulimic.
I'm so fucking tired of that "one bite too many." I'm so full of angst over so many things that I can't allow myself to enjoy the fact that I've lost 60 pounds. 60 pounds you guys! Its like a 4 year old! If I keep working hard, in another week it will be 70. My eye is on the prize. I'm not going to stop because of all my negatives. This sucks too much to stop. I don't pay 100$ for a pair of running shoes to let them sit there, so I'm not going to permanently alter my insides to sit on my ass and whine either.
I can eat cheese for my protien.  It goes over really well and is good for me.  I still miss soda, mostly for the bubbles.  Unfortunately, its the bubbles that I can't have, so even charged water is out of the question.  Tropicana makes Trop50, a calcium and vitamin D enhanced, 50% less sugar and alories than regular orange juice that I can drink the heck out of with no reprocussions.  Its my new soda.  I'm not really having too much trouble with hair loss.  I have vitamines now and I take those twice a day. I switch between a bottle of Trop50 and an empty bottle of the same filled with water.  I am getting plenty of water.  I graze now.  No more meals, but I will have a taste of cheese, 30 minutes later Ill have a taste of rice, a dumpling, a mini egroll, spoonful of peanut butter.  Going in that way is so much better than trying to sit down and eat 1/2 cup of anything.
I miss my friends.  Why did they abandon me?  Why is my sister so angry with me? This isn't fun.  Its not easy.  It sucks.  It hurts. I have my tight group that I expect to support me and they do, like my husband and my parents.  But I miss my friends.  My aunt said she was jealous, but happy for me.  Why did she have to say that?  Why is she jealous?  Why can no one hear me when I say, THIS IS NOT FUN-THIS IS NOT EASY-THIS SUCKS BEANS!
I am struggling with being happy that I'm here and hating myself for being here.  I want to laugh, but I'm busy crying. 
Don't tell me they dont deserve me.  I need them just as much now as I did then.  It depresses me that I even have to think about it.

1 comment:

  1. All I gotta say is screw em. What kind of friends are they if they can't support you in one of the biggest endeavors in your life? I think you are right, you were a buffer excuse for them, a reason to make themselves think they are better. You are going to make new friends with your new found sportiness and activity level, it just takes time. Meanwhile you do have your husband and kids and the few friends that matter...but most of all you have you. You did more than just get an operation. You studied for this exam, and jumped through more hoops than a circus tiger to get where you are. In fact, you have been an inspiration for me to start working out again and regain my fitness level. Damnit, if Jess up in north woods hickville can get to the gym and risk her life walking, then by gum so can I!