Friday, June 4, 2010

Why can't I...

I want to be so many things. I want to be this super caring over-the-top lover of everyone and everything. I want to be at peace and natural and open. I ask questions while I try to grow and I have been told I am narrow minded because I "don't get it." I want to get it. I wish I got it. I wish people got me.

All of this is what I really want for myself, but today I feel like such a failure. I'm overwhelmed. I want to do all these changes outside of my body and inside my head and be something special and leave some kind of mark. I want to have friends and be liked. I want to be this fantastic mom to all my kids. I don't want to limit them, but sometimes I just don't want to deal with the mess. My husband wants me to deal with my nephew one way, and I want to deal with him another. Yaya wanted a bunny, but she constantly neglects it. My dad has nothing good to say to anyone. He does not like the flowers we put in the outdoor pots, he does not like how Dean mowed the grass, he cannot understand why the HELL I let Emma draw on herself. Mom does not listen. She has her cowboy shows and dad...

People can't understand why I can't put a pair of shoes on, why my baby is naked or half naked all the time, why I drink out of mason jars, my dishes don't match, my kitchen isn't spotless. Why is there chalk drawings on the wall? Why didn't you just give back the damn library book on time? Why do you insist on making the town look like a fool? Why are you constantly picking on the public school system? Why is your grass not mowed this weekend? Why can't you have a normal hobby? Why won't you buy new tennis shoes for your kid when she has a hole in them and there is ONLY 1 week of school left? Do you not OWN a pair of socks? Why can't you eat regular food like everyone else? Are you some kind of weird hippie?


I am a failure today because I broke down and cried. I care that people think I'm weird today. I care that they think I am substandard and a lazy parent. I want to scream I'M NOT! NOT! NOT!

I care that when I go to the grocery store people from town will ignore me and my selfish, library book-stealing-going-to-the-press-and-making-the-town-look-stupid ways. I care about the rumors and the lies today. Yesterday I would have laughed an egged them on. Today I am not strong enough to be different. I'm in no mood to sing, to weld, to explore, to parent. Today I just want to curl up and cry. I want a friend. I want to be alone. I want Emma to STOP WHINING INCESSANTLY! I want Curtis to let me deal with MY nephew and take a fucking second to remember that he was once 16 too. I wish he and I could agree again instead of avoiding each other. I need a nap or something. I don't even know what I need. Just sleep. I'm going to just sleep. This day is stupid and it's fired.