Friday, August 20, 2010


“I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some bline, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise.”
                                                                                                                  - Chuck Palahniuk

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Won the lottery

Holy crap you guys!!!  I called today to get a coveted appointment with Dr. Setla and I go next week!!  Thursday Aug 26 is wide open so call NOW! NOW! NOW!!!

The end. :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Week 6? 7?

I am the biggest GOD!  I totally lost it today in group while talking about Melinda,  I never thought about how my past self follows me still.  Little embarrassments, gestures and looks can cling to you for years and years.  All those things I thought I left behind all come back and slap me in the face.  Stupid way to think.  We have grown up after all.  Is she really a stuck up priss baby like she once was?  The whoop-Dee-do cheerleader has a job that is supposed to be helping others.  I can't help but wonder if she is truly compassionate, or on a mission to weed the permanent fatties out of the lifers, or is it a great paycheck?  here I am, at the most fail point in my life having to face the one personality type that I always wanted to prove I was stronger and better than.  Instead of being stronger and better I'm helpless and judged and with it I judge.  I can't stand me right now, especially since I pride myself in not being a hater or a judge, which should include not judging the so-called judger.  Shit.  Instead of coming to terms, I bawl about it and am no closer to an understanding than I was before the conversation started. 

Having to face Melinda is like admitting to all the high school haters that I failed and now I have to take the last resort of surgery because I am too weak and too stubborn to do it on my own.  I still struggle with the thought that I am taking the easy way out of this fat thing.   The thing is, Melinda wasn't exactly mean.  She was...prissy.  An eye roller, whisperer, a giggler.  I'll be 90 and still see her whispering and giggling. Maybe because I'm immature, maybe I'm the one with the problem, maybe I'm overly sensitive, maybe I'm human.

The thing is, having to see Melinda is the only thing that makes this surgery something for me to think twice about.  In every other respect, I am so happy and excited, then I think about having to contact Melinda again and I feel like such a failure when I should be telling myself that I deserve to be happy just like she is, I deserve to have help and I am willing and able to put in the effort, which makes this, in all reality NOT an easy out. 

Ahhhh, what can I say?  Hand me the friggin tissues, I'm gonna whine about the Melinda's until I'm done.

In other news, I got me a new drill/flashlight kit with my crap-I-did-not-eat money AND and new pair of super sex-on-a-rock welding gloves.  I'm a bit ashamed to say that I would have eaten 40$ worth of garbage this week had I not made a point to divert my money to other things. On the other hand, how many calories is in 40$ not consumed this week!?  Its the little things people, lay off my sun beam :)

Here's a trippy moment.  I went to my sisters house this afternoon after going to Hope Gospel Mission's super awesome sales event!!!  She loves chickens and she has bratty kids that complain about her chicken-theme kitchen.  Her bratty kids  are ages 21-25, plenty old enough to get the hell out and decorate their own places with glow-in-the-dark penises if they want to; therefore, I grab chicken items for her once every couple weeks to simultaneously feed her addiction and irritate her brats.  Anyway, I got this chicken candle thing with a chicken lamp shade from HGM and stopped over to deliver it and stick out my tongue at my nieces, when Nobby brought out the LTD Christmas catalog fishing for ideas.  What idea did she have for MY Christmas present?  A huge collection of gourmet coffee/coco and chocolates.  I just looked at her and smiled.  "Um. No?  I may have my surgery by that time.  I need socks or something."
"But its coffee and hot chocolate."
"But it's Christmas for the love of GOD!"
Yeah...How bout some socks?  A magic bullet? Pots and pans? A movie? Jumper cables! A puppy! Linoleum for my kitchen, throw rugs, a mug, a blanket, foot warmies! A bench vice, a snuggie, beads, a new fish pole, a big brick of batteries, yarn, crochet hooks, plexi glass, a canning set, a scarf, new pillows...I can go on and on and yet, she always manages to get me coffee and chocolate at some point. 
I did remind her that I may very well be sitting at the table drinking Ensure this year and I am totally, beyond a shadow of a doubt OK with that.  I wonder if she hasn't really let it sink in that I am doing this.  She has not been supportive or negative.  She is my neutral subject.  I see now, she just chose to ignore it.

I hope I get a puppy.

Friday, August 13, 2010

White chicken chili

Yeah!  I don't know how it will go, but it should be lighter and brighter anyway...besides, chicken boobies are freekin good.  I wonder if I should write down recipes here for everyone to use??

Here is something I have learned:
-after you get done shopping, cut up all your veggies and fruit so all you have to do is reach in and grab what you want without a lot of mess.  Boil or steam a whole package of chicken breasts, then cut them into strips for salads, soup, etc.  Tupperware has these veggie keeper things with vents.  I can't tell you how much they were.  I got mine for being a Tupperware whore way back when.  This was before I discovered rubber maid disposables (after a good amount of reuse).  Who knew!? PFT! Oh, and prepare your dry beans ahead of time for vegan dishes (lentils, chick peas, beans).  Don't buy canned, too much salt and so much cheaper to buy a big bag full...

Sandie!!!  I'm glad you came and commented!  Thank you for telling your story!  I can't imagine how hard it is dealing with all your stuff.  I absolutely understand why you want to go through the program.  Isn't it funny how we all have our stories.  It makes me wonder why there are some people that find it so hard to judge others without ever knowing the whole story.  There is so much more to us than a cupcake addiction, or anxiety triggered chocolate gluttony.  I'm so glad you shared.  It's nice to know there are more people out there willing to help carry the load.  Oh, and there is a natural herbal treatment for RA that is perfectly safe for anyone to try.  Burning nettle is thought to be an natural anti inflammatory and a cup of tea a day is good for RA.  I would hook you up, but you are supposed to pick the nettle in may and early June.  They are seeding now and the ones by my house are all covered with bugs :(.  I have friends though that cut and use nettle all year round.  You can cook with it, make drinks from it, make dye, hair rinse, it aids in making cheese, all kinds of stuff.  You can buy extract from and use that until it comes in season again, though I have no idea how much that costs.  I've been trying to get my mechanic hubby and his engineer best friend to get together and make me a still so I can make my own distilled extracts, but they drag their feet---pft.  MEN.  I plan on trying it myself since RA runs in my family too as we get older.  My dad sufferers from it really bad.  It would be interesting to see if the sting of nettle on the skin would help RA like bee sting therapy does...Have you heard of bee sting therapy?  It's really inter sting.  It seems that there have been people who suffered from horrible RA, being stung multiple times by bees (like an attack) and the venom from the stings actually killed and cured the RA!  Amazing!  Right now, you can go in and get stung by bees in a controlled hospital environment, but I think it would be really awesome if they could figure out a way to isolate the *whatever* that makes the RA go away in an IV or injectable form...Oh hell, got me started and I'm all in the wrong blog even! 

Anyway, I'm glad your here.  Thank you for seeing me.  Stay in touch so we can keep up on each other's progress!  Aren't you going to school for law enforcement?  Man, I got arrested for an overdue library book once...had to sit in a jail cell and everything...I need to tell you that story in an email once...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Week 6

I wonder if anyone else in group is threatened by the upside down-mouth looks our 2 group leads give each other when we talk?  What does that mean?  Is that Hmmmmmm -good answer or Hmmmmmm -fail? Maybe it means Hmmmmmm lets freak the insecure chick out by giving each other that knowing look and nodding...

I'd love to know what she is writing down.

Today there was very few of us in the room. A couple newbies.  All in all, there are 2 ladies who are not sure if they want to go through with the surgery or not.  I suppose if there is a true mortal fear or a fear of possible side effects I might be a little apprehensive; though, I wonder why anyone would come this far into the discussion only to turn away from it after all the weeks and talks and appointments that go along even considering the surgery.

To me there is no question, no fear.  I'm not sure if having no fear at all is a good thing, but I really have none.  I can't see myself being afraid of losing weight, feeling better, living out my life healthier and happier with less reserve, trying new things, exploring, having the energy and will to try new things and explore.  On the other hand I'm also not afraid of the possible side effects, the dumping, vomiting, hair loss, possible infection.  Probably because I have a certain amount of control over the latter.  Undertaking major surgery and dying?  Also not a real concern.  I am a firm believer in God and I know that if he is ready for me to come home, I'll get there whatever way he wants me to get there.  I have true peace in that regard.  I have no real reason to be afraid of anything.  If I have to be afraid, I guess I am afraid of not passing the "test" that all these specialists and counselors are putting me through.  I'm afraid that one of them will say that I'm not ready.  The through of that happening makes tears well up in my eyes.  If I'm afraid of anything, I am afraid of being told I have failed once again.

Oh, my snacking money idea paid off.  Today I had $12.00 put away that would have been spent on candy bars or bags of chips normally.  I bought two 12-foot lengths of round stock (for my welding projects) and shampoo, bath soap and a new bath mitt (necessities for myself that I needed, but would not have the money for today if I had spent my money on pop and snacks this week). 


I had mentioned in group today that I had invested in a juicer for after surgery when everything needs to be soft.  I thought especially, it would be a good idea for fiber-veggies- to help break them down and discourage things like that from getting stuck.  Our group lead told me to start using it now.  I wonder why?  To find out what I like and what I don't?  After all, after surgery is when you learn what you will tolerate and what you wont.  After surgery is when you experiment with your new foods and new stomach to test the proverbial waters of eating...why would it make a difference now?  I may need to reflect.  Any of my hommies from group that have some input, I will most definitely take it.  Leave a comment as a guest.  Possibly I missed something that should be common sense?  Hmmmmm *upside down mouth*...

Oh, the link to my personal blog is:  For some reason I thought quasi was spelled with a z today.  Meh, she's a tard.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Week 5

I think I gained a few readers today while in group. I kind of wanted to say this in group, but it's really hard to get to know and have a conversation with people in 45 minutes. I just wanted to make it clear that all my readers are welcome here, but I need to make it very clear that this is my personal space. This is where I get to vent on myself, my consumables, dig into my innermost psyche and whine on occasion. I've come a long way and there is way more to my life than what is found here. Some of it surfaces in my rants, but unless you really know where I am coming from, I don't expect anyone to really get it. So, if you think I'm a whiny punk, just remember that I have lived in this body my whole life. If I want to cry about it, I have a reason and a right. This is why there are only a few of you I have allowed in, because we all happen to be traveling down the same road at the moment and its cool to have friends...Onward.

Dear General Mills;

Recently, I have made it a personal goal of mine to have a successful gastric bypass surgery and from there, work on bettering my body and my life for the sake of my health and overall quality of life. That being said, I was surprised when once again, you have found a way to torture my very soul with yet another improvement on your already perfect snacking system-the Bugle. Frankly, I was unaware that this was possible until I held the shiny plastic bag of freeking deliciousness in my eyes. Since this was GB group today, I could not throw caution to the wind and get a bag. One must always behave on GB group day. I glared at the bag a full 2 seconds before snatching my stupid, tasteless, no fun snack of pretzels off the rack. I silently flipped you the bird on my way to the counter with my healthy snack, riddled with pissed-offiness.
So, thank you General Mills, for making my journey that much rockier.  Thank you so much for your incessant desire for money, that you cannot foresee the angry fat chick that passed up your sensual treat today, to offer her a fat free version of the same damn snack.  Suck my big toe General Mills.


I suppose you are wondering if I did finally buy the bugles.  Yes.  On the way home, I went through Wheeler and got a bag, but did not open it.  When I got home, I gathered my husband and children around me and we all sampled the bugles.  I had 3 before I walked away leaving the bag to my skinny husband, his skinny best friend and my skinny kids.  Oddly, I feel less animosity after those 3 bugles.  I didn't eat them all, so I don't feel guilty, but I did try them so now I'm enlightened that way...I don't have an overwhelming need to run out to the shop and steal them away so I can hide behind a stump someplace in the wilderness and eat them all.  Three was good. I tried them.  They were, indeed, freeking delicious.  I still compare General Mills with Nazis, but I need to deal with Nazis as well.

Here is the thing, I have decided to use this as my personal goal for the rest of the week.  Whenever I want to buy something stupid food-wise that I do not need to sustain myself, I will put that 2 dollars, 3 dollars-whatever in a jar.  Next Wednesday, when I go to town for group, I will have money for a non-food treat, like fabric, welding wire, beads, yarn, VELCRO!!!  It will be interesting how much money I will have.  Maybe enough for that mini iron I've been wanting?  Eeeek.  I hope not.   Kind of a sobering thought huh?

Group was great today.  We learned a lot from each other and I have been around long enough that I am trying to make friends.  My heart really went out to A. today.  Our group lead pointed out that she always talks about her success in future tense, which I can relate to, but it seems that she really had not made many changes in her life thus far, but instead keeps thinking about how it is going to be instead of how it is now.  She has not talked to all of her family yet, though her parents know that she is doing the surgery.  I felt so bad for her and I wonder if it is more than the baking and farm living that holds her back.  I grew up with a very controlling father.  It seemed like my mom was too busy worrying about how to keep him quiet and happy, to really identify with us kids, though I assume her efforts kept us from getting the brunt end of his anger.  My point is, she seems afraid to really bring her self out into the open and to really identify with what she is doing and I wish so much that I could give her some of my own confidence to stand up against the "what if."  Strength to you A.  This is your deal, not your brother's deal, not your parent's deal, YOUR DEAL.  You stand up for you one time and you will see a difference.  It took me the better part of 18 years to learn that everyone has a right to their own opinion, but mine is most important to myself.  My opinion is what shapes me into a good or bad person.  My opinion supports my good or bad decisions and I am the only one who can change my opinion.  If it wasn't for my late sister and my amazing husband, I would probably still be taking care of everyone else but me.  I hope you find your loud voice.  Even a good loud "fuck you" in the middle of the woods where no one will hear you will make you feel better. I do that all the time and I think my trees are getting depressed about it.  Sorry about that trees.

Oh, best exercise ever.  We all had to stand in a circle and we each had to identify ourselves with something.  Our sentence starter was, "When I feel fat I..."  Our team lead said when she feels fat she feels like her breasts are ships and she made this parting-the-ocean movement.  The next guy said, "when I feel fat I feel...and then she slumped his shoulders and got all lethargic looking.  The next one said she felt fluffy, so we made a fluffy sign, got lethargic, had ship boobs, etc.  It was totally a good time.  I said I was a mountain.  I thought of it because of a conversation my sister and I had about periods, not because thats really an accurate description of how I feel when I feel fat.  The fact is, there are no group-friendly terms that describe how I feel when I feel fat and I'm not sure how it would go if we all had to swear like pirates when we repeated my description.  Thus, I was a mountain. My sign was ^.  Only bigger.

----------------------GIRLS ONLY.  DO NOT CROSS LINE YUCKY BOYS-----------------------

OKay, I have to tell the story because its completely unrelated and thats how I roll.  So my sister and I were on the phone talking about periods and I was complaining about how I once had the most WONDERFUL 3-day periods after I had Lucas and Rebecca, but how they all went to shit when I had Emma. NOW I have 3 days of major irritability.  Like, that soap bubble pisses me off, stop breathing, don't talk to me, don't touch me-kind of irritable.  My ankles swell like balloons and it hurts to walk because I think my skin is going to split open and I'm just generally really pissed off.  Then-IT happens.  This is when my sister said, "Yeah, Mount Rushmore!"  I lost it.  "You mean Niagara Falls?  Or maybe you have presidents dropping out of your vagina every month--I don't want to know..." Then we laughed until we snorted and that comment has kept me going all day despite my "Mount Rushmore" problems.  This is why I said, when I feel fat, I feel like a mountain.  And now you have seen inside my head.  Don't mind the mess.