Tuesday, March 22, 2011

judgment call

Well, I think I got over my plateau and the weight is coming off again.  I finally managed to get down to 353 pounds (65 pounds lost) and keep it that way for 2 days.

When I saw Dr. Hower on Friday, Dwayne told me that I was bound to level off soon, which is why my weight loss was a pitiful 12 pounds over the course of 4 weeks.  He says my body is getting wise to the fact that I did something drastic to it and like a kid in a candy store, it is grabbing onto to everything and holding it close until it realizes it can't hold onto it anymore and the weight will drop off fast again for a while.  Evidently the 12 pounds I lost in this analogy is the stray gum balls that slipped through the little kids fingers onto the floor :)
I bought a new pair of jeans.  My old pair (I don't have many clothes-only 1 pair of jeans) are so baggy I look like a hommie and the crotch is hanging down in between my knees even with the waistband pulled up the way it should be.  I bought a size 24 no less (the old pair were 32-34W).   They should come in the mail soon along with 2 new bras.  My old bras are really destined for the trash with holes all over.  Absolutely not salvageable and the lace is so wadded up and worn out, it looks like I'm hiding something monstrous in my shirt.  Not a smooth silhouette by any means.  Anyway, knowing that it probably isn't worth spending the money on new stuff, I only bought the 3 things.  The bras were on major sale and not exactly my cup size, but my mom showed me years ago how to make a strategically placed pin tuck when needed.  I know what your saying, why the hell do you buy bras that don't fit?  Well, because they are on sale.  I have never been able to buy a bra for less than 40 dollars since I was in high school and these were only 9.00 a piece (originally 45.00).  I figure I can afford to put in a little tailoring effort for the sake of such a discount. Anyway, marking my first downsizing clothing purchase.

So my instigator friend called me yesterday.  We have drifted apart over the years pretty major, mostly because she only calls me when no one else will answer their phone.  I have turned into her last-resort friend.  She called me because her man is in the hospital for some diabetic sepsis.  She wanted me to go to the hospital and wait out his surgery with her.  I really was unable to do it, since I had just taken off work on Friday to see my own doctors.  Having been through this scenario many times with my dad, I was certain Bubba would be fine and gave her as much encouragement as I could.  Just as I suspected, she had exhausted all her other choices before me and had to go alone.  The conversation then turned to a mutual acquaintance of ours that works in the hospital as a laboratory tech.  She is a nosy and gossipy lady and I never gave her much information other than a few yes and no answers when she took blood from me or the kids on occasion.  Kari, evidently, talks to her a lot.   Now, I am aware that Kari is an instigator.  She loves the drama and she loves making the drama.  If she can't rile you up with a story about hr man's swollen and sickly leg, she will throw in something that will get your goat.  I know this and for the most part, I am fairly prepared for it, but for some reason this one got to me.

I struggle with this decision of having the surgery done.  Not because I never wanted it, but more because of what people say now.  As you know, my sister is very jealous and makes it really hard for me to be happy for myself.  She is the worst, but there are others.  I had never once thought about how I paid for the surgery until I talked to Kari.  Kari said our mutual friend was angry that I used, and evidently abused, Badger Care to have this frivolous surgery done. She told me that it was mentioned that this was "just one more thing for the taxpayers to pay for."  To Kari, I said, "Hm.  Uh huh."  But inside my head I was screaming.  I don't deserve to be healthy and live longer because I'm poor now? I pay taxes too you know and have since I was 16 years old, does my tax dollars count for nothing because I use Badger Care!?  I would think that I have paid in enough over the course of 25 years to pay for a little friggin bypass surgery. If she was laid off tomorrow I'm so sure she would refuse unemployment because she is just too good to abuse taxpayers dollars like that.  Bitch.
 I refuse to let Kari know she got me pissed off by telling me this.  I know she just said it to get my goat.  I vent in my blog, far away from her satisfaction.  What I know about Tammy that Kari does not know is that Tammy went through all the BS I went through to have the surgery, only to be told that she had some kind of nocturnal reflux issue that would only be exacerbated by the surgery instead of helped. She went through all the work and then was turned down to have it.  Maybe she is one of the gazillion misinformed, narrow-minded republicans that populate this area, but I think her angst lies a little deeper than flipping the bill for my bypass surgery.
I really, really need to go talk to someone.  All this hate I get from all around me is really getting to me.  It makes me wish I never had this done.  People liked me when I was fat and destined to be fat forever.  In school I would go home crying after hearing people whisper about me behind my back.  I used to think that would all go away if I could just be thin.  Now I'm working my ass off to achieve this goal and I still have people talking negatively about me.  Except, not only am I eating everyone out of house and home, but now I'm a lazy, low-life tax burden too.  I need to go see my bypass coaches and I need to get my head straight.  From what the medical documents state, this is the point where I am most susceptible to addiction transference, alcohol, drugs and tobacco are easy and not food.  As much as I love a good beer buzz, I know I will get one after 1/2 a glass of wine.  A little bit of long lost pleasure in just a couple of minutes.  I need to go see my people.  I need to get my head straight before I fuck it all up with something else and my Badger Care is going to pay for it too.

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