As my date gets closer, I am faced with more and more animosity from my friends and family about what I am doing. I have only told a select few thinking that they would be okay with it and I could rely on support. One freind asked me how in the hell I think I can afford it. When I explained that it is covered by my insurance because my health and life is endagenered, he quickly changed the subject, but before we parted ways, he told me his supper was ready and he had to go get fatter. Wow. Seriously? Does he think I'm just giving up here? Taking the easy way out? My God, I have been on every diet, I've starved, I've lived off of carrots and turned orange, I ate 1 peanut butter sandwich all day every day for a month and gained 3 pounds, I went vegan and lost nothing. I've choked down dry chicken breasts and broccolli with no butter, gave up soda, coffee, cheese, milk, ice cream, chocolate. I've done it all and got nothing in return. You think this is easy!? My stomach will be the size of a walnut and will exit directly into my large intestine. Sugar will make me dump. The first year I get to nibble on things to see if they will make me puke or not. I will be on vitamines for the rest of my life. I can't have pop, beer, alcohol. I will have skin folds that I will have to live with for at least 2 years. My life is completely changing and this is not easy. Is it worth it to me? Fuck yeah. Without a doubt. There is no question in my mind. My sister said that all too soon I will be all skinny weraing cute clothes and strutting my stuff around. yeah. Fuck yeah. Have I ever been able to wear cute anything? Nope, never. Even my baby clothes were months ahead of my age. I got my first pair of girl jeans in the fifth grade because until Gitano came along, jeans didnt come in my size. Back then I was wering my teenaged sister and middle aged aunt's hand-me downs because I was too fat to fit into age appropriate stuff. I was teased, harassed, beat up, picked on, poked fun at, called names, pushed against the wall, alone at parties. Fuck you. You'r fuckin right I'm going to enjoy my freedom and all the bad that goes with it. A friend of mine who wanted to have a baby told me she wanted to be pregnant so bad. She wanted the aches and pains, the nausia, the stretch markes, the emotions--everything. She wanted it all because having a baby meant so much to her. This is my baby and it is worth every fucking second. You wonder why I don't want to tell people? This is why. I have people that are angry at me for trying to live longer, be comfortable, be heathier and find myself within this stupid rotten body. Why don't you just go on a diet? Why don't you just exercise? I know this one girl that was going to have bypass, and the preliminaries were so empowering, she lost the weight on her own--why can't you do that? Because I can't. Because its more than just laziness and indulgence. Becuase I have a family history, because I have never known thin, because I don't care to spend the rest of my life tryng and failing when I could be living and enjoying. When this is over, I will be proud of what I have done. I am not ashamed of myself anymore. I've been ashamed and embarassed my whole life. I'm done. I am done. I AM DONE.