And THEN they tell me I have to exercise...

So, I am struggling with the exercise part. Not that I don't want to as much as it is hurting the hell out of me.

Let's start this out from the beginning. First of all, I had to go in and visit with this cardio exercise expert person. This was fine, I mean, I'm committed, I am all for following protocol. The funny part was the fact that my expert just happened to be someone that I went to school with. I can't say that she was mean to me by any means, but we definitely did not run in the same circles. I doubt we talked, though, you know she is the type of person I do not want to end up in front of, fat and desperate asking advice on fitness.

Yes. I did get over it sort of. I mean, we are both adults now. I probably am the only one in the room feeling weird and bloated and ashamed of myself. Whatever. If I am to do this, I am doing it with or without Miss G. So we talked about my job, how many kids, what I do in my spare time, what I think is fun. We talked about fitness and what was expected of me during and after my GB journey. She told me she would like to see 1 hour of cardio fitness (walking, exercise tapes, treadmill, swimming) every day 6 days a week.

I went out, bought myself some really good shoes, loaded my MP3 with inspiration and started walking. I did pretty good, walked all through my hour without much trouble. My lower back hurt the first 15 minutes or so, but eventually I got into the groove. I finished my walk, showered and went to bed...

The next morning I was pretty sore. My hip hurt, my shoulders, my FEET. I figured it would take me a minute to get used to it and to keep plugging away. That evening I went for another walk, this time my hip and my feet bothered most of the hour and it felt really great to get those shoes off and be barefoot again, though my hip was really giving me trouble and by morning I was barely able to get to the coffee pot. I muddled through the third day, but when I tried to get my shoes on for my walk, my feet seemed swollen and I was unable to get the shoes tied. I started walking, determined to get through it. I have to do this or I can't have my surgery. This surgery that I have been ready for my whole life depends on whether I can do this. A half hour later, I was sitting at the end of my sister's driveway with my shoes off crying because I honestly could not take even one more step. I was so upset with myself that I had allowed myself to get to the point that even something as easy as an hour walk could literally leave me crippled. I was not in a good place. My sister drove me home and I went to bed.

I can not tell you how much I love my husband. If he was not here, I know I would have given up on myself. No matter what I see in the mirror, he always sees this beautiful person. He sees the real me that is in here somewhere and he lets me know that I am loved while he discusses my struggles. he told me that it really wasn't about just walking, but it was about moving in general. If I can't do an hour, then I do a half. If I cant wear shoes, then I lap the yard barefoot in the grass or I try something else. It's not all about walking, its about moving and doing what I CAN do.

My struggle was that while I have always been fat, I have never been unable. I struggle with the unable and the pain that makes me unable. Horrible.

Anyway, I got on Freecycle and lo and behold, there was a gazelle for free. I emailed the owner and picked it up the same day. Unfortunately, when I got it home, I felt like I was going to fall off, I was off balance and extremely uncomfortable and unable to relax. To be honest, I think I am just plain too big and the gazelle was not helping my feet out other than I was able to be barefoot. It was not going to work. I then found a bicycle for free and found that to be okay, however, the tension did not work at all and there was no resistance. I did not feel like I was getting much out of the situation. My mother in law had a really nice stationary bike that was mostly unused. I asked if I could borrow it. Alas, MIL said no, but she did have a peddle thing that allowed you to sit in a regular chair and cycle WITH resistance. I love it. It gives my feet a rest, but I am still doing my hour.

As for my hip/shoulders/back etc. My hubby suggested going to see the chiropractor. His theory was that I was just out of adjustment and getting straightened out would be good for me physically as well as mentally.

So, I am seeing Lisa twice a week and she is wonderful. While she kicks my ass, I ask her questions about why I am having such trouble, how I can stay in adjustment, why do my feet hurt so much, what is her thoughts on barefoot shoes and Temperpedic beds?? We have good talks. My hardest problem area is my hip and it hurts a lot to be adjusted there. She told me that my body is trying to be active with a lot of extra weight that it has not had to be active with for over a year (Since I started working full time as a medical transcriptionist). It is going to take me a while to get strong again. On the bright side, while everything hurts the same during exercise, it hurts less the morning after and I am able to function. As for my "great walking shoes" She says screw 'em. My feet are conditioned for barefoot. Supportive shoes are for weak feet with no muscle tone and strength to support themselves. If I have to be barefoot, then be barefoot. Until the weight starts coming off and my body gets stronger, she said she's "Got my back..." hehe...

Another thing I should throw in here after all my mental grief is the conversation I had with my psychologist this past week. We talked about the LEARN program that I will be taking part in next month and some of the goals that are expected of me before being approved to have my surgery. When touching on the subject of exercise, he stated he wanted to see me doing 10-15 minutes every day of cardio something. I said, "10-15 minutes on top of the hour I have to do every day?"
"You are doing an hour every day?"
"Well, I have my struggles, but I am trying to do something every day-an hour is my eventual goal at the moment, but when I started out, yes, I was doing an hour. I just could not move the next day." I then went on to tell the story of me and my chiropractor and blah blah blah.
He said, "Oh. Well, you are doing more than what we expect of you. One goal met then."

Yesssssss.

So, I am still working on 40 lbs (even 10 pounds will make the surgery easier for my doctors). Still trying to keep my head right, still reading my LEARN textbook and getting ready to start my 12-week therapy group. I have my ups and downs. Sometimes I can't come to terms with what I am doing. The pros far outweigh the cons. I am not giving up. This is really a hard thing to do. With or without intervention, I need to change or I will die. I'm not ready to die yet. I have lots of living to do.