I wonder if anyone else in group is threatened by the upside down-mouth looks our 2 group leads give each other when we talk? What does that mean? Is that Hmmmmmm -good answer or Hmmmmmm -fail? Maybe it means Hmmmmmm lets freak the insecure chick out by giving each other that knowing look and nodding...
I'd love to know what she is writing down.
Today there was very few of us in the room. A couple newbies. All in all, there are 2 ladies who are not sure if they want to go through with the surgery or not. I suppose if there is a true mortal fear or a fear of possible side effects I might be a little apprehensive; though, I wonder why anyone would come this far into the discussion only to turn away from it after all the weeks and talks and appointments that go along even considering the surgery.
To me there is no question, no fear. I'm not sure if having no fear at all is a good thing, but I really have none. I can't see myself being afraid of losing weight, feeling better, living out my life healthier and happier with less reserve, trying new things, exploring, having the energy and will to try new things and explore. On the other hand I'm also not afraid of the possible side effects, the dumping, vomiting, hair loss, possible infection. Probably because I have a certain amount of control over the latter. Undertaking major surgery and dying? Also not a real concern. I am a firm believer in God and I know that if he is ready for me to come home, I'll get there whatever way he wants me to get there. I have true peace in that regard. I have no real reason to be afraid of anything. If I have to be afraid, I guess I am afraid of not passing the "test" that all these specialists and counselors are putting me through. I'm afraid that one of them will say that I'm not ready. The through of that happening makes tears well up in my eyes. If I'm afraid of anything, I am afraid of being told I have failed once again.
Oh, my snacking money idea paid off. Today I had $12.00 put away that would have been spent on candy bars or bags of chips normally. I bought two 12-foot lengths of round stock (for my welding projects) and shampoo, bath soap and a new bath mitt (necessities for myself that I needed, but would not have the money for today if I had spent my money on pop and snacks this week).
YAY!
I had mentioned in group today that I had invested in a juicer for after surgery when everything needs to be soft. I thought especially, it would be a good idea for fiber-veggies- to help break them down and discourage things like that from getting stuck. Our group lead told me to start using it now. I wonder why? To find out what I like and what I don't? After all, after surgery is when you learn what you will tolerate and what you wont. After surgery is when you experiment with your new foods and new stomach to test the proverbial waters of eating...why would it make a difference now? I may need to reflect. Any of my hommies from group that have some input, I will most definitely take it. Leave a comment as a guest. Possibly I missed something that should be common sense? Hmmmmm *upside down mouth*...
Oh, the link to my personal blog is: http://thequasihippie.blogspot.com/ For some reason I thought quasi was spelled with a z today. Meh, she's a tard.
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I have to do this in multiple posts because I do not have your email, and its 5 pages long!
ReplyDeleteJess- I just want to tell you that I SEE YOU beneath your skin that your body is not a canvas that covers who you are. I wish you could see you the way I see you. I wish you could see how full of life you are, how amazing I see you to be. I wish I would have known you when you were younger, I wish I could have been there to say, that it’s your soul that makes you beautiful, not your skin or the body you house yourself in. That hurting yourself doesn’t make it go away, just like drinking for our friend at group makes life easier. I am not sure if he drinks because he truly enjoys it or because it helps hide his pain.
Either way, my heart goes out to you, truly from the bottom of my heart. I see all of you in group; I do not look at your bodies or your skin that you’re in. I listen with such deepness, I listen to the words you all have to say, I hear the pain in your words, the worry in them, the frustration, the happiness, the triumphs. The last 12 weeks has been an amazing journey for me, I have watched all of you grow, build confidence, self esteem, realize that you alone is all that matters to each of you, that you have to be your biggest advocate, that in the end it doesn’t really matter what others think of you, it will only matter what you will think, that you love yourself.
A- from group, I see her sadness I will look at her, I see all her pain in those blue eyes of hers, I see someone fighting to come out. Like you if I could have reached across the room and give her all my self esteem, all my strength and self confidence, I would have, because to see her triumph would have been worth it. I know she will, I can see it in her, she just needs to stay on path, to stay the course. Like we all do. To reach out to the ones who will support her, who will triumph with her! I will be here for her when and if she ever reaches out to me as I will reach out to her, as I am doing to you right now.
You’re an amazing person; I am so intrigued with you, your vivaciounous for life, for nature. It makes you glow and shine like a bright star. I hope one day you will look in the mirror and see you the way I do. You’re a rare person Jess and they broke the mold after you, do not let that go to waste with the bad attitude, because your here in this world to make your mark, in your own way. Life is too short to waste away with a bad attitude, there is too much good to see if one can stop and just look. I feel the air on my face, the rain running down my face, the sun shining brightly, I breathe in the crisp cool air. I see the eagles soaring and dive in after their pray. They are such majestic birds, so strong, so alive, and so full of life. An amazing creature god has given us to see, to enjoy, cherishing. We are all part of that Jess. I find great peace by nature, by the amazement of the simplest things I can take in.
You never know someone by their skin, we all have a story Jess, even skinning people, I am not skinny in the least but I could tell what you all were thinking looking at me. Thinking why on earth would she be here, why would she be having this surgery? I can read people very very well. I have never been skinny, I have large bones, a large framework, even in high school, junior high, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted people to see me, I wanted to be pretty, I wanted the cutest guy, all that. I wasn’t fat, but I wasn’t a twig, my stomach didn’t hang over my pants or anything. I was just me. My best friend looks at me and says she gets so much strength from me, lots of people do, I get strength from myself as well. I refuse to give in; I refuse to settle for anything in life. I thank god every day for being here.
I learned my way of life the hard way. I had to fight tooth and nail, for me for everything in this world. But most of all for my life, for my right to be here, for my right to say, hey wait one cotton pickin minute here I am not ready to go, I have to live, I have to leave my mark, I have so much to offer. Today I still fight for that life. See when you almost die, it’s amazing, it’s easy to see it all flash in front of your face, it’s easy to see that just like that it could be all gone that this precious life we each live could go away just like that. I am writing this to you with the tears running down my face, because there is no way I could truly show you that, no way I could truly show you how precious you are to this world, how much you have to give, to yourself, to your children, to your husband, to the world.
ReplyDeleteThe scar that sits on my upper right arm used to be hidden in shame; I was so embarrassed by the scar, so ashamed of it. I remember those days Jess like they were yesterday. I remember going through each of those surgeries 4 in a 7 day period, each day those doctors fighting to save my life, trying to cut every part of that infection out of my body. I remember my body shaking, like you have never seen before. I remember my then husband (now ex) asking the doctors “what in the heck is happening what is going on, why is she shaking like that” they looked at him and said the poison in her body is taking over. Those surgeries were hard on me, my soul, and my faith. They were never fully able to close the hole in my arm, every time they tried, that dam infection came back so when I finally got to leave the hospital weeks later I was weak, I was sick and I still had an open wound.
My world changed then Jess. I cried myself to sleep every night, I remember begging god to please let me better, that I would slow down, that I wouldn’t waste it away, that I would remember the small things. It took weeks but I got better, gradually regaining who I was. I recall asking my surgeon, an amazing man; he and his residents if I would get it again (remember that I will tell you later on that). They were plastic surgeons. Plastic surgeons don’t normally take over cases, they are consultants, and that’s that. But for whatever reason, the resident come in and said we are taking over her case. I was miserable, I was in so much pain, I was so scared, I do not know what made me hold on Jess, I just did. I could see their eyes I could see what they were thinking when they looked at me. But I am a survivor, I always have been and there was no way it was over for me. Those plastic surgeons made me better, they took over with such determination, they got me on the correct pain medications, got everything in sync and I started getting better. You see the infection I had has no cure, the only thing they can do is cut it out of you until it stops. I thank those men and forever will be indebted to their ability to take care of people like that.
Some surgeons are cold and have no bedside manors, I had a doctor like that he was a resident, he came into my room one early morning like 3AM, he came in unwrapped my arm, and stuck his entire hand in the hole in my arm, I screamed so loud, woke the entire floor up. My nurse came running in, he was a man, he looked at that doctor and said what in the hell do you think you’re doing! The doctor said I have to look at it, shake it up a little. The nurse looked at him and said get out of here right now; I will be calling the staff doctor. That resident was not allowed to come into my room anymore, that’s when the plastic surgeons took my case over.
ReplyDeleteYou know I got that infection again, 2 years later, in my toes. I seen the plastic surgeon in the hallway one day, he stopped looked at me and said what are you doing here, I said my friend came to visit. He shook his head and said good luck, you see Jess he told me I wouldn’t get it again, it’s rare for people to get it once but to survive it and get it again, it doesn’t happen. Well look in the mirror because I did. They knew then that I was different. I have had several major infections. My doctors are at the Mayo clinic, a slew of them, do you know what they tell me? Survive one infection, that’s luck, survive two, that’s a miracle, but you Sandie are far beyond that, we do not know why you’re here, we do not know why you have survived all these bad life killing infections but you are, so someone wants you here!
They said you won’t die of Rheumatoid arthritis, a bad liver, when you die it’s going to be an infection. They are probably right, but I can’t live in a bubble, it’s not me, it’s not who I am. That scar, all my scars remind me every day that life is too short, that we are only here for a short time, that we need to take life by the horns and jump on it and sail through it sucking in everything we possibly can, giving back to whatever we can. Being thankful for everything we have. That book I brought and read that part of is so true for me. My RA has me trapped, I feel like I am drowning in my own skin, and can’t pull myself up. But I do not give up, I take everything the experts have to say, and make my own decisions. There is a drug they want me to try, but I can’t, I won’t, because I know in my heart, my soul, my mind, it would kill me because of the infection the rare infection that only 3% of people could get, I would be in that 3% because that’s how it is for me. So I won’t take it, I find other ways to get by.
Gee see I went off on a babbling runway… arghh sorry but I won’t erase it because I think you need to see past my skin, see me for who I am, so you can see that I truly see you my dear. You’re beautiful, funny, full of life, vivacious, and I do not want you to think differently. I wanted you to know how I see you. How I see all of you in group! I am proud of all of you, for making a difficult decision, to allow yourself to be worth this, to see that you deserve all this and more!
I am here for all of you, I was serious when I said day or night, email, call, fax whatever works. I hope we all stay in touch, I hope you teach me about all your hippie ways, I love listening to your stories about what you made from things on the earth, maybe you will teach me so I can try it too, I would love to!
Take care my friend, remember it’s your life and you have to take control and run with it, its right there for the taking!
Sandie
Ps. The looks are as you say they are they are telling each other that this person isn’t doing what they are supposed to be doing. Some are to say they are doing what they are supposed to be doing, but nonetheless they are communicating in that fashion. Let the guilt sit in if they do it to you, and take it as constructive criticism and make it better, you can do it lady I know you can.
A – I am always here for you when and if you ever need a friend, remember that your worth it!
Jess- I just want to tell you that I SEE YOU beneath your skin that your body is not a canvas that covers who you are. I wish you could see you the way I see you. I wish you could see how full of life you are, how amazing I see you to be. I wish I would have known you when you were younger, I wish I could have been there to say, that it’s your soul that makes you beautiful, not your skin or the body you house yourself in. That hurting yourself doesn’t make it go away, just like drinking for our friend at group makes life easier. I am not sure if he drinks because he truly enjoys it or because it helps hide his pain.
ReplyDeleteEither way, my heart goes out to you, truly from the bottom of my heart. I see all of you in group; I do not look at your bodies or your skin that you’re in. I listen with such deepness, I listen to the words you all have to say, I hear the pain in your words, the worry in them, the frustration, the happiness, the triumphs. The last 12 weeks has been an amazing journey for me, I have watched all of you grow, build confidence, self esteem, realize that you alone is all that matters to each of you, that you have to be your biggest advocate, that in the end it doesn’t really matter what others think of you, it will only matter what you will think, that you love yourself.
A- from group, I see her sadness I will look at her, I see all her pain in those blue eyes of hers, I see someone fighting to come out. Like you if I could have reached across the room and give her all my self esteem, all my strength and self confidence, I would have, because to see her triumph would have been worth it. I know she will, I can see it in her, she just needs to stay on path, to stay the course. Like we all do. To reach out to the ones who will support her, who will triumph with her! I will be here for her when and if she ever reaches out to me as I will reach out to her, as I am doing to you right now.
You’re an amazing person; I am so intrigued with you, your vivaciounous for life, for nature. It makes you glow and shine like a bright star. I hope one day you will look in the mirror and see you the way I do. You’re a rare person Jess and they broke the mold after you, do not let that go to waste with the bad attitude, because your here in this world to make your mark, in your own way. Life is too short to waste away with a bad attitude, there is too much good to see if one can stop and just look. I feel the air on my face, the rain running down my face, the sun shining brightly, I breathe in the crisp cool air. I see the eagles soaring and dive in after their pray. They are such majestic birds, so strong, so alive, and so full of life. An amazing creature god has given us to see, to enjoy, cherishing. We are all part of that Jess. I find great peace by nature, by the amazement of the simplest things I can take in.
You never know someone by their skin, we all have a story Jess, even skinning people, I am not skinny in the least but I could tell what you all were thinking looking at me. Thinking why on earth would she be here, why would she be having this surgery? I can read people very very well. I have never been skinny, I have large bones, a large framework, even in high school, junior high, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted people to see me, I wanted to be pretty, I wanted the cutest guy, all that. I wasn’t fat, but I wasn’t a twig, my stomach didn’t hang over my pants or anything. I was just me. My best friend looks at me and says she gets so much strength from me, lots of people do, I get strength from myself as well. I refuse to give in; I refuse to settle for anything in life. I thank god every day for being here.
Doood. You left lots o' posts.
ReplyDelete