Dear General Mills;
Recently, I have made it a personal goal of mine to have a successful gastric bypass surgery and from there, work on bettering my body and my life for the sake of my health and overall quality of life. That being said, I was surprised when once again, you have found a way to torture my very soul with yet another improvement on your already perfect snacking system-the Bugle. Frankly, I was unaware that this was possible until I held the shiny plastic bag of freeking deliciousness in my eyes. Since this was GB group today, I could not throw caution to the wind and get a bag. One must always behave on GB group day. I glared at the bag a full 2 seconds before snatching my stupid, tasteless, no fun snack of pretzels off the rack. I silently flipped you the bird on my way to the counter with my healthy snack, riddled with pissed-offiness.
So, thank you General Mills, for making my journey that much rockier. Thank you so much for your incessant desire for money, that you cannot foresee the angry fat chick that passed up your sensual treat today, to offer her a fat free version of the same damn snack. Suck my big toe General Mills.
Jessie
I suppose you are wondering if I did finally buy the bugles. Yes. On the way home, I went through Wheeler and got a bag, but did not open it. When I got home, I gathered my husband and children around me and we all sampled the bugles. I had 3 before I walked away leaving the bag to my skinny husband, his skinny best friend and my skinny kids. Oddly, I feel less animosity after those 3 bugles. I didn't eat them all, so I don't feel guilty, but I did try them so now I'm enlightened that way...I don't have an overwhelming need to run out to the shop and steal them away so I can hide behind a stump someplace in the wilderness and eat them all. Three was good. I tried them. They were, indeed, freeking delicious. I still compare General Mills with Nazis, but I need to deal with Nazis as well.
Here is the thing, I have decided to use this as my personal goal for the rest of the week. Whenever I want to buy something stupid food-wise that I do not need to sustain myself, I will put that 2 dollars, 3 dollars-whatever in a jar. Next Wednesday, when I go to town for group, I will have money for a non-food treat, like fabric, welding wire, beads, yarn, VELCRO!!! It will be interesting how much money I will have. Maybe enough for that mini iron I've been wanting? Eeeek. I hope not. Kind of a sobering thought huh?
Group was great today. We learned a lot from each other and I have been around long enough that I am trying to make friends. My heart really went out to A. today. Our group lead pointed out that she always talks about her success in future tense, which I can relate to, but it seems that she really had not made many changes in her life thus far, but instead keeps thinking about how it is going to be instead of how it is now. She has not talked to all of her family yet, though her parents know that she is doing the surgery. I felt so bad for her and I wonder if it is more than the baking and farm living that holds her back. I grew up with a very controlling father. It seemed like my mom was too busy worrying about how to keep him quiet and happy, to really identify with us kids, though I assume her efforts kept us from getting the brunt end of his anger. My point is, she seems afraid to really bring her self out into the open and to really identify with what she is doing and I wish so much that I could give her some of my own confidence to stand up against the "what if." Strength to you A. This is your deal, not your brother's deal, not your parent's deal, YOUR DEAL. You stand up for you one time and you will see a difference. It took me the better part of 18 years to learn that everyone has a right to their own opinion, but mine is most important to myself. My opinion is what shapes me into a good or bad person. My opinion supports my good or bad decisions and I am the only one who can change my opinion. If it wasn't for my late sister and my amazing husband, I would probably still be taking care of everyone else but me. I hope you find your loud voice. Even a good loud "fuck you" in the middle of the woods where no one will hear you will make you feel better. I do that all the time and I think my trees are getting depressed about it. Sorry about that trees.
Oh, best exercise ever. We all had to stand in a circle and we each had to identify ourselves with something. Our sentence starter was, "When I feel fat I..." Our team lead said when she feels fat she feels like her breasts are ships and she made this parting-the-ocean movement. The next guy said, "when I feel fat I feel...and then she slumped his shoulders and got all lethargic looking. The next one said she felt fluffy, so we made a fluffy sign, got lethargic, had ship boobs, etc. It was totally a good time. I said I was a mountain. I thought of it because of a conversation my sister and I had about periods, not because thats really an accurate description of how I feel when I feel fat. The fact is, there are no group-friendly terms that describe how I feel when I feel fat and I'm not sure how it would go if we all had to swear like pirates when we repeated my description. Thus, I was a mountain. My sign was ^. Only bigger.
----------------------GIRLS ONLY. DO NOT CROSS LINE YUCKY BOYS-----------------------
OKay, I have to tell the story because its completely unrelated and thats how I roll. So my sister and I were on the phone talking about periods and I was complaining about how I once had the most WONDERFUL 3-day periods after I had Lucas and Rebecca, but how they all went to shit when I had Emma. NOW I have 3 days of major irritability. Like, that soap bubble pisses me off, stop breathing, don't talk to me, don't touch me-kind of irritable. My ankles swell like balloons and it hurts to walk because I think my skin is going to split open and I'm just generally really pissed off. Then-IT happens. This is when my sister said, "Yeah, Mount Rushmore!" I lost it. "You mean Niagara Falls? Or maybe you have presidents dropping out of your vagina every month--I don't want to know..." Then we laughed until we snorted and that comment has kept me going all day despite my "Mount Rushmore" problems. This is why I said, when I feel fat, I feel like a mountain. And now you have seen inside my head. Don't mind the mess.
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