I am the biggest crybaby...my GOD! I totally lost it today in group while talking about Melinda, I never thought about how my past self follows me still. Little embarrassments, gestures and looks can cling to you for years and years. All those things I thought I left behind all come back and slap me in the face. Stupid way to think. We have grown up after all. Is she really a stuck up priss baby like she once was? The whoop-Dee-do cheerleader has a job that is supposed to be helping others. I can't help but wonder if she is truly compassionate, or on a mission to weed the permanent fatties out of the lifers, or is it a great paycheck? here I am, at the most fail point in my life having to face the one personality type that I always wanted to prove I was stronger and better than. Instead of being stronger and better I'm helpless and judged and with it I judge. I can't stand me right now, especially since I pride myself in not being a hater or a judge, which should include not judging the so-called judger. Shit. Instead of coming to terms, I bawl about it and am no closer to an understanding than I was before the conversation started.
Having to face Melinda is like admitting to all the high school haters that I failed and now I have to take the last resort of surgery because I am too weak and too stubborn to do it on my own. I still struggle with the thought that I am taking the easy way out of this fat thing. The thing is, Melinda wasn't exactly mean. She was...prissy. An eye roller, whisperer, a giggler. I'll be 90 and still see her whispering and giggling. Maybe because I'm immature, maybe I'm the one with the problem, maybe I'm overly sensitive, maybe I'm human.
The thing is, having to see Melinda is the only thing that makes this surgery something for me to think twice about. In every other respect, I am so happy and excited, then I think about having to contact Melinda again and I feel like such a failure when I should be telling myself that I deserve to be happy just like she is, I deserve to have help and I am willing and able to put in the effort, which makes this, in all reality NOT an easy out.
Ahhhh, what can I say? Hand me the friggin tissues, I'm gonna whine about the Melinda's until I'm done.
In other news, I got me a new drill/flashlight kit with my crap-I-did-not-eat money AND and new pair of super sex-on-a-rock welding gloves. I'm a bit ashamed to say that I would have eaten 40$ worth of garbage this week had I not made a point to divert my money to other things. On the other hand, how many calories is in 40$ not consumed this week!? Its the little things people, lay off my sun beam :)
Here's a trippy moment. I went to my sisters house this afternoon after going to Hope Gospel Mission's super awesome sales event!!! She loves chickens and she has bratty kids that complain about her chicken-theme kitchen. Her bratty kids are ages 21-25, plenty old enough to get the hell out and decorate their own places with glow-in-the-dark penises if they want to; therefore, I grab chicken items for her once every couple weeks to simultaneously feed her addiction and irritate her brats. Anyway, I got this chicken candle thing with a chicken lamp shade from HGM and stopped over to deliver it and stick out my tongue at my nieces, when Nobby brought out the LTD Christmas catalog fishing for ideas. What idea did she have for MY Christmas present? A huge collection of gourmet coffee/coco and chocolates. I just looked at her and smiled. "Um. No? I may have my surgery by that time. I need socks or something."
"But its coffee and hot chocolate."
Uhhhhh...yeah?
"But it's Christmas for the love of GOD!"
Yeah...How bout some socks? A magic bullet? Pots and pans? A movie? Jumper cables! A puppy! Linoleum for my kitchen, throw rugs, a mug, a blanket, foot warmies! A bench vice, a snuggie, beads, a new fish pole, a big brick of batteries, yarn, crochet hooks, plexi glass, a canning set, a scarf, new pillows...I can go on and on and yet, she always manages to get me coffee and chocolate at some point.
I did remind her that I may very well be sitting at the table drinking Ensure this year and I am totally, beyond a shadow of a doubt OK with that. I wonder if she hasn't really let it sink in that I am doing this. She has not been supportive or negative. She is my neutral subject. I see now, she just chose to ignore it.
I hope I get a puppy.
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So group brought out the worst in you, is that what you are saying? Come on Jess your better than that, you know your doing this for you not some Melinda. I think if we all thought about it there were people from the past that snickered, giggled, dismelled (Jackies word) us and others. So why would the thought of what they think matter to you? Do they play any roll in your life? Do they play any importance what so ever? NO, so sometime in the future they see you and your skinny, who is going to be giggling then? You will, you dont have to shove it in anyones face, you just need to know inside your doing it for you and what goes around does come around my friend!
ReplyDeleteHang in there your doing great!
Sandie
Hey hun sorry you had such a bad day today I hope that everything will work out great for cause you are awesome:) lol. But no seriously you cant let them get you done everything will work out just you watch. Take care and cant wait to see you in group on Wed.
ReplyDeleteKrystal