On the day of surgery (January 18) I was 418 pounds. Now I am at 358 pounds and melting fast. I work out really hard, which is attributing to the rapidness. I'm starting to get control of when to stop now, but still drink too soon after sometimes. Yesterday was my first day out and my friends all said they can see a huge difference in me. It was nice to hear so many positives. I've still been having some trouble with my sister's jealousy. It seems she is trying to be supportive by occasionally going to the gym with me, but the whole time telling me to slow down and, "are you TRYING to kill yourself?" Constantly lecturing me on how I'm all wrong and she's all right. Whining because she doesn't want to sweat. It gets to me. A good friend of mine, whose wife is a nurse and travels to all the different hospitals, ran into my sister a couple of weeks ago and my sister proceeded to tell her that the only reason I'm doing all of this is because my husband is not happy with me physically and he is making me. WHAT? Anyone who knows my husband knows that my weight was never an issue. I feel like my sister is trying to sabotage my conviction and self esteem. It makes me cry and I have allowed myself many tears. Yes, I could tell her to piss off, but I don't want to sabotage her conviction and self esteem. As much whining as she does, she is trying to move and get healthy. She needs to desperately. I can only shut up and take it and foster her desire to walk the treadmill for her 10 minutes. It isn't long before she gets tired and leaves me to finish my workout in peace.
My parents are awesome, my aunties, my husband, some of my friends. I only have a couple of friends that stopped talking to me. I leave messages once in a while, hoping they will call, but I haven't gotten any returns yet.
It's amazing to me how many people found my fatness a comfort to them more than offensive. I kind of feel like I was being used as a big fat buffer to everyone around me. I was an excuse. Well, I can have these donuts because I'm not as fat as Jess. Jess isn't the fattest anymore and everyone around me has to be accountable for their own actions. Does that sound self centered? That's how I feel about it. Especially since I have been making myself accountable, everyone around me either cut me off or is trying to improve themselves to various degrees, which is bittersweet.
When I let myself cry it out the other day, it wasn't just because of my people. It was all my frustrations. My desire for a certain something once in a while that I know will make me puke and the frustration when I eat something I know I can eat and it makes me puke.
The lump in my throat does not mean I am full. The lump in my throat means I've eaten too much. I can't just go from there and throw up, it sits and rolls around feeling horrible for 45 minutes before the refreshing and long-awaited wave of nausia sweeps over me so I can finally throw it all up and start over. I'm a rotten bulimic.
I'm so fucking tired of that "one bite too many." I'm so full of angst over so many things that I can't allow myself to enjoy the fact that I've lost 60 pounds. 60 pounds you guys! Its like a 4 year old! If I keep working hard, in another week it will be 70. My eye is on the prize. I'm not going to stop because of all my negatives. This sucks too much to stop. I don't pay 100$ for a pair of running shoes to let them sit there, so I'm not going to permanently alter my insides to sit on my ass and whine either.
I can eat cheese for my protien. It goes over really well and is good for me. I still miss soda, mostly for the bubbles. Unfortunately, its the bubbles that I can't have, so even charged water is out of the question. Tropicana makes Trop50, a calcium and vitamin D enhanced, 50% less sugar and alories than regular orange juice that I can drink the heck out of with no reprocussions. Its my new soda. I'm not really having too much trouble with hair loss. I have vitamines now and I take those twice a day. I switch between a bottle of Trop50 and an empty bottle of the same filled with water. I am getting plenty of water. I graze now. No more meals, but I will have a taste of cheese, 30 minutes later Ill have a taste of rice, a dumpling, a mini egroll, spoonful of peanut butter. Going in that way is so much better than trying to sit down and eat 1/2 cup of anything.
I miss my friends. Why did they abandon me? Why is my sister so angry with me? This isn't fun. Its not easy. It sucks. It hurts. I have my tight group that I expect to support me and they do, like my husband and my parents. But I miss my friends. My aunt said she was jealous, but happy for me. Why did she have to say that? Why is she jealous? Why can no one hear me when I say, THIS IS NOT FUN-THIS IS NOT EASY-THIS SUCKS BEANS!
I am struggling with being happy that I'm here and hating myself for being here. I want to laugh, but I'm busy crying.
Don't tell me they dont deserve me. I need them just as much now as I did then. It depresses me that I even have to think about it.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Monday, September 20, 2010
Quasi Espy, etc.
CRAP! I have too many blogs. I just posted this to Quasi Hippie, had to delete it because it has GB stuff in it and post it here. JA HEEZ! It does have lots of good Quasi-type stuff in it though...
So I am looking at alternatives to sugar as a canning additive in fruit and I've come up nil. Since sugar is not a preservative, it is not necessary to put it in with your fruit when canning; however, the end result is soggy nasty-flavored mush. I good replacement is SPLENDA for a low cal alternative, but I'm allergic, so its out. I was thinking raw honey would be a flavorful alternative and it can be done, even giving your fruit a earthy flavor, kind of like tea, but it really doesn't help you in terms of calories. So, I guess when canning, its best to just use the least amount of sugar as you can. for fruit in syrup, go with the directions for light syrup and you can cut the calories down to 77 calories per serving. For jams and jellies, you can buy pectin that is made for low sugar recipes at the heath food store, but I warn you, each box of pectin only does 1 batch-not 3 like the box says and each box is 5.00 as opposed to the 1.00 old fashioned, fatty pectin. Meh. Remember though, apples have their own pectin, so you can make some pretty fun apple butter with just enough sweetener to take the edge off. Like I said last post, make your apple butter with bee balm blossoms and let it sit. The bee balm is kind of spicy/minty and adds a little something to the butter. You can also add it to smoothies with apples or peaches. If you happen to have it growing wild and you want to use it fresh, it does juice and is kind of good that way too. Play with it and keep the sugar to a minimum.
Today I bought some ginger root and will be making smoothies out of peaches with the ginger. Ginger, FYI, is really good for digestion and stomach ailments. I consider my stomach sliced and sutured a slight ailment, so maybe ginger would be soothing. My little magic bullet happened to come with these little cups for relish or something, but they seem to be the perfect size for post surgery smoothies. You can throw a cube of soft tofu in for added protein, or if you have your own hens, a raw egg too. Don't do raw eggs from a store. You don't know where they have been.
Anyway, since canning may be a big fail, I think I'm going to focus on freezing my fruit and veggies to stick with the organic and no added sugar. Maybe I can make some fruit leather for when I can advance my diet a little bit, but I have a really big chest freezer with LOTS of room for fruit and veggies. Anyhoo, thats what I'm doing today. Tasting smoothies.
I noticed there was quite the crop of red clover on the side of a back road on the way home today and I picked the nicest heads in hopes of drying 1 more quart jar full. I discovered steeping a tea from the blossom heads can ease irritability, regulate your cycle and also helps with menopausal symptoms. I am hooking my intra-menopausal/endometriotic sister UP! I do this for you Nobby, because I love you and because you make me want to eat my own toenails. I should hope you would go out and discover similar natural miracles for me when I'm pushing the downhill button at your age. Muah.
Next year, I am talking you all into nettle smoothies. You will love them.
Lastly,
On the GB movie from the hospital, they say they will be feeding me Crystal Light. At first I wasn't really worried about it, but I have cut diet Pepsi out of my diet completely and have not drank anything but water as a beverage for a few weeks and my complexion has cleared up considerably. My husband, ever the enabler, brought me home a can of diet Pepsi as a treat the other day. I drank it and my arms are covered with red itchy splotches. All this time, I thought only Splenda was my enemy. When I get into that, I get HIVES and my ears swell up. I thought the psoriasis on my arms was inevitable, but now I wonder, Aspertime might be bad too. That being said-I don't want Crystal Light! Rut roh. I am bringing my Crystal Light collection to group. Anyone interested can have it.
So I am looking at alternatives to sugar as a canning additive in fruit and I've come up nil. Since sugar is not a preservative, it is not necessary to put it in with your fruit when canning; however, the end result is soggy nasty-flavored mush. I good replacement is SPLENDA for a low cal alternative, but I'm allergic, so its out. I was thinking raw honey would be a flavorful alternative and it can be done, even giving your fruit a earthy flavor, kind of like tea, but it really doesn't help you in terms of calories. So, I guess when canning, its best to just use the least amount of sugar as you can. for fruit in syrup, go with the directions for light syrup and you can cut the calories down to 77 calories per serving. For jams and jellies, you can buy pectin that is made for low sugar recipes at the heath food store, but I warn you, each box of pectin only does 1 batch-not 3 like the box says and each box is 5.00 as opposed to the 1.00 old fashioned, fatty pectin. Meh. Remember though, apples have their own pectin, so you can make some pretty fun apple butter with just enough sweetener to take the edge off. Like I said last post, make your apple butter with bee balm blossoms and let it sit. The bee balm is kind of spicy/minty and adds a little something to the butter. You can also add it to smoothies with apples or peaches. If you happen to have it growing wild and you want to use it fresh, it does juice and is kind of good that way too. Play with it and keep the sugar to a minimum.
Today I bought some ginger root and will be making smoothies out of peaches with the ginger. Ginger, FYI, is really good for digestion and stomach ailments. I consider my stomach sliced and sutured a slight ailment, so maybe ginger would be soothing. My little magic bullet happened to come with these little cups for relish or something, but they seem to be the perfect size for post surgery smoothies. You can throw a cube of soft tofu in for added protein, or if you have your own hens, a raw egg too. Don't do raw eggs from a store. You don't know where they have been.
Anyway, since canning may be a big fail, I think I'm going to focus on freezing my fruit and veggies to stick with the organic and no added sugar. Maybe I can make some fruit leather for when I can advance my diet a little bit, but I have a really big chest freezer with LOTS of room for fruit and veggies. Anyhoo, thats what I'm doing today. Tasting smoothies.
I noticed there was quite the crop of red clover on the side of a back road on the way home today and I picked the nicest heads in hopes of drying 1 more quart jar full. I discovered steeping a tea from the blossom heads can ease irritability, regulate your cycle and also helps with menopausal symptoms. I am hooking my intra-menopausal/endometriotic sister UP! I do this for you Nobby, because I love you and because you make me want to eat my own toenails. I should hope you would go out and discover similar natural miracles for me when I'm pushing the downhill button at your age. Muah.
Next year, I am talking you all into nettle smoothies. You will love them.
Lastly,
On the GB movie from the hospital, they say they will be feeding me Crystal Light. At first I wasn't really worried about it, but I have cut diet Pepsi out of my diet completely and have not drank anything but water as a beverage for a few weeks and my complexion has cleared up considerably. My husband, ever the enabler, brought me home a can of diet Pepsi as a treat the other day. I drank it and my arms are covered with red itchy splotches. All this time, I thought only Splenda was my enemy. When I get into that, I get HIVES and my ears swell up. I thought the psoriasis on my arms was inevitable, but now I wonder, Aspertime might be bad too. That being said-I don't want Crystal Light! Rut roh. I am bringing my Crystal Light collection to group. Anyone interested can have it.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Back.
I'm BAAAAAACK. I know...oh and as promised, Krystal, this post is for you my homie.
This is what I did today. Down the road from me about a mile is this fantastic Winchestershire apple tree. wait, is Winchestershire a real apple name or something my dad made up? Hold on. I'll ask the Google gods...
*time lapse*
Yeah. He was just naming them something romantic so we would eat them. Okay...I'll call them Heirloom apples, since they are most likely a leftover from a homestead located there at some point in time. Anyhow, its fantastic and since my own apple trees are a bit manic depressive this year (my greening had an unfortunate suicide attempt last summer and is still in ICU), I'm needing to shop in the ditches for my apples. Okay, so I go to pick these fantastic apples (did I mention how fantastic they were?) and came home, peeled 2 and put them in the blender with some bee balm and a tablespoon of honey. YAY! It was good and aside from the honey (my hippie princess friend lost all her honey bees to mice last winter), it was free and organic!!!
1 Tablespoon honey = 64 calories
2 small wild apples = 120 calories
1 bee balm blossom = 0 calories
_________________________
My carnivore hubby will be having pork chops slow cooked in this apple sauce. We will see how well it goes over with him. He tolerates my ditch cuisine pretty well. If its good, maybe he won't freak out too much when I tell him I REALLY want to take that online holistic healing class this winter...its ONLY $1600.00. That is less than the roof is going to cost. If things get too ugly, I can bring up the air conditioning reclaim machine thing he spent most of last year paying for.
I owe my soul to the Snap-On guy by the way. It was the only way I could keep my first born without having to guess his name.
So, as discussed in group-omg I'm almost done!!!-I need to focus on eating little tiny bits several times a day instead of waiting until I am hypoglycemic before I eat something. Also, my water intake is pitiful. While I can honestly say I have thrown soda out the virtual window of my uber-healthy temple, coffee is my love. Oh I love coffee. My only saving grace is the fact that I am a hard-core coffee snob that will only partake in 1 or 2 cups per day IF it is decent. I am not an off-the-wal-mart-shelf coffee drinker. If I wanted to drink pissy mud, I would harvest it for free from the cow yard. No, I pay for super fresh coffee that has never seen the inside of a freezer or the inside of a supermarket for that matter. It is not marred by thick, over pasteurized cream or flavored with synthetic waxy chocolates and high-fructose corn syrup. Its just really good, flavorful, fresh coffee. Every once in a while I will throw some mulling spice or some organic chai in the basket for flavor...mmmmm. I friggin' love coffee. I do have a coffee pot that can brew 1 cup at a time, so I can limit myself that way and I can make a point to only partake once a week. It's not something I can't say no to, its just something I really enjoy and I don't want to say no until I absolutely have to.
So, I made my excuse. I'm aware of it and today I focused on hydration and nibbling. Aside from having to pee allot...Nope. That's it. I pee alot.
Another concern. My Strattera gives me instant heartburn. When my stomach is tiny, I'm afraid I will just burst into flame because there will be no room for heartburn. I will skip heartburn and spontaneously combust. Wow. What a grease fire that will be...I may need to discuss this with my doctor. The Strattera problem--not so much the grease fire. I wonder if he will suggest living retarded for a few months to give my stomach a chance to heal before swallowing pills again. Hmmmmm. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
This is what I did today. Down the road from me about a mile is this fantastic Winchestershire apple tree. wait, is Winchestershire a real apple name or something my dad made up? Hold on. I'll ask the Google gods...
*time lapse*
Yeah. He was just naming them something romantic so we would eat them. Okay...I'll call them Heirloom apples, since they are most likely a leftover from a homestead located there at some point in time. Anyhow, its fantastic and since my own apple trees are a bit manic depressive this year (my greening had an unfortunate suicide attempt last summer and is still in ICU), I'm needing to shop in the ditches for my apples. Okay, so I go to pick these fantastic apples (did I mention how fantastic they were?) and came home, peeled 2 and put them in the blender with some bee balm and a tablespoon of honey. YAY! It was good and aside from the honey (my hippie princess friend lost all her honey bees to mice last winter), it was free and organic!!!
1 Tablespoon honey = 64 calories
2 small wild apples = 120 calories
1 bee balm blossom = 0 calories
_________________________
My carnivore hubby will be having pork chops slow cooked in this apple sauce. We will see how well it goes over with him. He tolerates my ditch cuisine pretty well. If its good, maybe he won't freak out too much when I tell him I REALLY want to take that online holistic healing class this winter...its ONLY $1600.00. That is less than the roof is going to cost. If things get too ugly, I can bring up the air conditioning reclaim machine thing he spent most of last year paying for.
I owe my soul to the Snap-On guy by the way. It was the only way I could keep my first born without having to guess his name.
So, as discussed in group-omg I'm almost done!!!-I need to focus on eating little tiny bits several times a day instead of waiting until I am hypoglycemic before I eat something. Also, my water intake is pitiful. While I can honestly say I have thrown soda out the virtual window of my uber-healthy temple, coffee is my love. Oh I love coffee. My only saving grace is the fact that I am a hard-core coffee snob that will only partake in 1 or 2 cups per day IF it is decent. I am not an off-the-wal-mart-shelf coffee drinker. If I wanted to drink pissy mud, I would harvest it for free from the cow yard. No, I pay for super fresh coffee that has never seen the inside of a freezer or the inside of a supermarket for that matter. It is not marred by thick, over pasteurized cream or flavored with synthetic waxy chocolates and high-fructose corn syrup. Its just really good, flavorful, fresh coffee. Every once in a while I will throw some mulling spice or some organic chai in the basket for flavor...mmmmm. I friggin' love coffee. I do have a coffee pot that can brew 1 cup at a time, so I can limit myself that way and I can make a point to only partake once a week. It's not something I can't say no to, its just something I really enjoy and I don't want to say no until I absolutely have to.
So, I made my excuse. I'm aware of it and today I focused on hydration and nibbling. Aside from having to pee allot...Nope. That's it. I pee alot.
Another concern. My Strattera gives me instant heartburn. When my stomach is tiny, I'm afraid I will just burst into flame because there will be no room for heartburn. I will skip heartburn and spontaneously combust. Wow. What a grease fire that will be...I may need to discuss this with my doctor. The Strattera problem--not so much the grease fire. I wonder if he will suggest living retarded for a few months to give my stomach a chance to heal before swallowing pills again. Hmmmmm. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Lay it on out there
Firstly, I am riddled with an extreme amount of stress right now that I do not wish to discuss via blogger. Let it be known that it is stressful stress of the most extreme and frankly, I don't have much to say in the way of my blog because my stress happens to be the only think on my mind at the moment.
What I will share is the fact that I went in to see Dr. Setla and had the best labs on the planet. Unfortunately, going to see her was the wrong thing to do and I was told that I will have to see her again anyway, so my efforts were in vain. Also, I missed a phantom appointment in April and now have to see my dietitian when I can instead of having had seen her when I should have and therefore I am screwed on my surgery date being within the year. Big yip. Another thing to worry excessively about.
Thirdly, I am not going to pretend that I am never going to eat another French fry, hamburger or piece of chocolate cake for as long as I live. This is unrealistic. The point of the Learn program is to teach you how to make responsible choices. There is nowhere in that book that says chocolate will never pass over your lips again. My husband is not a big supporter in terms of eating well with me. He chews tobacco, drinks 6 liters of mountain dew a day and eats at Culvers. For your information, I had 4 pieces of shrimp, a couple of fries and did not eat any of the sides. The rest went to my dog. In the old days I would have eaten all of my meal, plus whatever was left from the kids. BACK OFF. I am doing wonderfully and am very proud of the fact that I am not eating like I was and have not eaten like I was for 2 months now. To assume that I can never go into a Culvers with my husband on occasion because of my surgery is narrow. Not to mention the fact that I am able to do this with all the shit hanging over my head makes it clear that I will be fine after my surgery and the fact that I am going to my classes every Wednesday night, no matter how depressed, sad or upset I am, tells me that I am committed and will be successful. That being said, I don't feel like typing about anything fun or wonderful because I am dealing with a whole pile of stuff right now and I am embarrassed enough that there is no way in hell I am putting it up on a public forum for the world to see what a big fat screw up I am. There. I posted. Happy?
Maybe if I get this Labor day weekend out of the way I can have more time to update my blogs. I need to paint.
What I will share is the fact that I went in to see Dr. Setla and had the best labs on the planet. Unfortunately, going to see her was the wrong thing to do and I was told that I will have to see her again anyway, so my efforts were in vain. Also, I missed a phantom appointment in April and now have to see my dietitian when I can instead of having had seen her when I should have and therefore I am screwed on my surgery date being within the year. Big yip. Another thing to worry excessively about.
Thirdly, I am not going to pretend that I am never going to eat another French fry, hamburger or piece of chocolate cake for as long as I live. This is unrealistic. The point of the Learn program is to teach you how to make responsible choices. There is nowhere in that book that says chocolate will never pass over your lips again. My husband is not a big supporter in terms of eating well with me. He chews tobacco, drinks 6 liters of mountain dew a day and eats at Culvers. For your information, I had 4 pieces of shrimp, a couple of fries and did not eat any of the sides. The rest went to my dog. In the old days I would have eaten all of my meal, plus whatever was left from the kids. BACK OFF. I am doing wonderfully and am very proud of the fact that I am not eating like I was and have not eaten like I was for 2 months now. To assume that I can never go into a Culvers with my husband on occasion because of my surgery is narrow. Not to mention the fact that I am able to do this with all the shit hanging over my head makes it clear that I will be fine after my surgery and the fact that I am going to my classes every Wednesday night, no matter how depressed, sad or upset I am, tells me that I am committed and will be successful. That being said, I don't feel like typing about anything fun or wonderful because I am dealing with a whole pile of stuff right now and I am embarrassed enough that there is no way in hell I am putting it up on a public forum for the world to see what a big fat screw up I am. There. I posted. Happy?
Maybe if I get this Labor day weekend out of the way I can have more time to update my blogs. I need to paint.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Today.
“I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some bline, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise.”
- Chuck Palahniuk
- Chuck Palahniuk
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Won the lottery
Holy crap you guys!!! I called today to get a coveted appointment with Dr. Setla and I go next week!! Thursday Aug 26 is wide open so call NOW! NOW! NOW!!!
The end. :)
The end. :)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Week 6? 7?
I am the biggest crybaby...my GOD! I totally lost it today in group while talking about Melinda, I never thought about how my past self follows me still. Little embarrassments, gestures and looks can cling to you for years and years. All those things I thought I left behind all come back and slap me in the face. Stupid way to think. We have grown up after all. Is she really a stuck up priss baby like she once was? The whoop-Dee-do cheerleader has a job that is supposed to be helping others. I can't help but wonder if she is truly compassionate, or on a mission to weed the permanent fatties out of the lifers, or is it a great paycheck? here I am, at the most fail point in my life having to face the one personality type that I always wanted to prove I was stronger and better than. Instead of being stronger and better I'm helpless and judged and with it I judge. I can't stand me right now, especially since I pride myself in not being a hater or a judge, which should include not judging the so-called judger. Shit. Instead of coming to terms, I bawl about it and am no closer to an understanding than I was before the conversation started.
Having to face Melinda is like admitting to all the high school haters that I failed and now I have to take the last resort of surgery because I am too weak and too stubborn to do it on my own. I still struggle with the thought that I am taking the easy way out of this fat thing. The thing is, Melinda wasn't exactly mean. She was...prissy. An eye roller, whisperer, a giggler. I'll be 90 and still see her whispering and giggling. Maybe because I'm immature, maybe I'm the one with the problem, maybe I'm overly sensitive, maybe I'm human.
The thing is, having to see Melinda is the only thing that makes this surgery something for me to think twice about. In every other respect, I am so happy and excited, then I think about having to contact Melinda again and I feel like such a failure when I should be telling myself that I deserve to be happy just like she is, I deserve to have help and I am willing and able to put in the effort, which makes this, in all reality NOT an easy out.
Ahhhh, what can I say? Hand me the friggin tissues, I'm gonna whine about the Melinda's until I'm done.
In other news, I got me a new drill/flashlight kit with my crap-I-did-not-eat money AND and new pair of super sex-on-a-rock welding gloves. I'm a bit ashamed to say that I would have eaten 40$ worth of garbage this week had I not made a point to divert my money to other things. On the other hand, how many calories is in 40$ not consumed this week!? Its the little things people, lay off my sun beam :)
Here's a trippy moment. I went to my sisters house this afternoon after going to Hope Gospel Mission's super awesome sales event!!! She loves chickens and she has bratty kids that complain about her chicken-theme kitchen. Her bratty kids are ages 21-25, plenty old enough to get the hell out and decorate their own places with glow-in-the-dark penises if they want to; therefore, I grab chicken items for her once every couple weeks to simultaneously feed her addiction and irritate her brats. Anyway, I got this chicken candle thing with a chicken lamp shade from HGM and stopped over to deliver it and stick out my tongue at my nieces, when Nobby brought out the LTD Christmas catalog fishing for ideas. What idea did she have for MY Christmas present? A huge collection of gourmet coffee/coco and chocolates. I just looked at her and smiled. "Um. No? I may have my surgery by that time. I need socks or something."
"But its coffee and hot chocolate."
Uhhhhh...yeah?
"But it's Christmas for the love of GOD!"
Yeah...How bout some socks? A magic bullet? Pots and pans? A movie? Jumper cables! A puppy! Linoleum for my kitchen, throw rugs, a mug, a blanket, foot warmies! A bench vice, a snuggie, beads, a new fish pole, a big brick of batteries, yarn, crochet hooks, plexi glass, a canning set, a scarf, new pillows...I can go on and on and yet, she always manages to get me coffee and chocolate at some point.
I did remind her that I may very well be sitting at the table drinking Ensure this year and I am totally, beyond a shadow of a doubt OK with that. I wonder if she hasn't really let it sink in that I am doing this. She has not been supportive or negative. She is my neutral subject. I see now, she just chose to ignore it.
I hope I get a puppy.
Having to face Melinda is like admitting to all the high school haters that I failed and now I have to take the last resort of surgery because I am too weak and too stubborn to do it on my own. I still struggle with the thought that I am taking the easy way out of this fat thing. The thing is, Melinda wasn't exactly mean. She was...prissy. An eye roller, whisperer, a giggler. I'll be 90 and still see her whispering and giggling. Maybe because I'm immature, maybe I'm the one with the problem, maybe I'm overly sensitive, maybe I'm human.
The thing is, having to see Melinda is the only thing that makes this surgery something for me to think twice about. In every other respect, I am so happy and excited, then I think about having to contact Melinda again and I feel like such a failure when I should be telling myself that I deserve to be happy just like she is, I deserve to have help and I am willing and able to put in the effort, which makes this, in all reality NOT an easy out.
Ahhhh, what can I say? Hand me the friggin tissues, I'm gonna whine about the Melinda's until I'm done.
In other news, I got me a new drill/flashlight kit with my crap-I-did-not-eat money AND and new pair of super sex-on-a-rock welding gloves. I'm a bit ashamed to say that I would have eaten 40$ worth of garbage this week had I not made a point to divert my money to other things. On the other hand, how many calories is in 40$ not consumed this week!? Its the little things people, lay off my sun beam :)
Here's a trippy moment. I went to my sisters house this afternoon after going to Hope Gospel Mission's super awesome sales event!!! She loves chickens and she has bratty kids that complain about her chicken-theme kitchen. Her bratty kids are ages 21-25, plenty old enough to get the hell out and decorate their own places with glow-in-the-dark penises if they want to; therefore, I grab chicken items for her once every couple weeks to simultaneously feed her addiction and irritate her brats. Anyway, I got this chicken candle thing with a chicken lamp shade from HGM and stopped over to deliver it and stick out my tongue at my nieces, when Nobby brought out the LTD Christmas catalog fishing for ideas. What idea did she have for MY Christmas present? A huge collection of gourmet coffee/coco and chocolates. I just looked at her and smiled. "Um. No? I may have my surgery by that time. I need socks or something."
"But its coffee and hot chocolate."
Uhhhhh...yeah?
"But it's Christmas for the love of GOD!"
Yeah...How bout some socks? A magic bullet? Pots and pans? A movie? Jumper cables! A puppy! Linoleum for my kitchen, throw rugs, a mug, a blanket, foot warmies! A bench vice, a snuggie, beads, a new fish pole, a big brick of batteries, yarn, crochet hooks, plexi glass, a canning set, a scarf, new pillows...I can go on and on and yet, she always manages to get me coffee and chocolate at some point.
I did remind her that I may very well be sitting at the table drinking Ensure this year and I am totally, beyond a shadow of a doubt OK with that. I wonder if she hasn't really let it sink in that I am doing this. She has not been supportive or negative. She is my neutral subject. I see now, she just chose to ignore it.
I hope I get a puppy.
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