Group, week 2 and 3, not necessarily in that order.

So, today we talked about feelings. Like, what kinds of feelings you had today either in reference to yourself or others. I'm pretty much thinking that this was supposed to be in reference to myself, but because I was having a crappy day, dad went to Rochester ICU on his death bed AGAIN, no one was around to take care of Emma and I ended up bringing her, then getting the "talk" in the hall because evidently a 2 year old is a major breach of privacy-we had a long talk on the way home about how she could not tell any of her stuffed animals about what she saw or heard today in group-to which she replied with a long dissertations consisting of a lot of blah, blahs and I think she might have said boobie at some point...Anyway, despite the fact that it can never happen again, I'm almost positive no real HIPAA laws were compromised.

So anyway, how did I feel?
-Pissed at dad for not taking care of himself now, 10 years ago, 20 years ago, when he almost died of a crushed heart when he was 18 and told he would not live past the age of 40.

-Disappointed in him for the same reasons. Disappointed in myself for having the same attitude for so long. Disappointed because I never had the taste of "thin."

-Disgusted with dad for continuing to not take care of himself or do for himself even when he has been at the threshold of death 4 times in the last 3 years. Am I being dramatic? Only about calling near death a threshold. I say threshold because I'm literary. Disgusted with myself because I'm fat and lazy and tired and hurting and I feel like a failure in so many ways. At the moment it is taking a walk and my feet hurt and my back hurts and my legs hurt and I am hot and miserable and hateful and disgusted.

-Disdainful.
-Hateful
-Sick
-Angry
-Sad
-Overwhelmed

I should look back over my day. At the time I was answering that question I was sad, upset and I can't remember most of the meeting.

-How about proud of making the first steps to bettering myself?
-Conscious as to my decisions, good or bad, pertaining to my food choices?
-Happy that I won't be following the same sickly and emotional path my dad is following and putting his family through.
-Thankful that I will see my grand babies and can show off my funky back tattoo when they say that grandma's are boring.

I missed week 3 too, so I should throw what I can remember about that one in here. We learned about patterns in eating. Making choices and being accountable. Don't beat yourself up over a bite of chocolate, but make an effort to say no the next time, or eat less. We also talked about how our thoughts, lead to feelings, which leads to actions, which leads back to thoughts, which, after a while, can morph into beliefs.

Example: I cannot pay my garbage bill and service is interrupted >>> I am stressed, sad, feel like a failure, feeling tired, depressed >>> I'm gonna sit on the couch and mope, get some chocolate and popcorn and binge >>> thinking I am a failure, I ate too much, I don't feel good >>> become even more depressed, sad, etc. >>> sit on the couch again and do nothing and eat some more garbage >>> thinking about...and this continues until you are believing you are a fat loser that will go nowhere and has no control over their own actions.

Can you fix it? Yep. The circle goes in a positive direction too and you can go from depressed and sad and feeling like a failure to thinking positively, you can get up and go, feeling proud of yourself, eating correctly which makes you even more proud etc. Which in turn will will change your belief in yourself and you will be superwoman of healthy goodness. The trick is to maintain superwoman of healthy goodness despite the pitfalls and succumbing to that damned chocolate cake...to be continued. Sorry this is all mashed together, but I've had a busy week and I was a bum about posting. last week, I was just lazy and didn't feel like it. I'm being accountable for my laziness right now and countering it with posting. :)